Some thoughts about discipline
Discipline is a topic that many parents have strong views about. Discipline is not about spanking or not spanking your child, but rather a way of teaching your child positive behaviors.
The June issue of Growing Together, a newsletter published by Growing Child contains a column titled The Big Ten, which has ten thoughts on the topic of discipline that I would like to share with you.
- Know what you want to accomplish. Reflect on the kind of person you want your child to become by adulthood, and make decisions based on those goals. Keeping the big picture in mind prevents falling into the trap of quick fixes, such as discipline that stops the behavior temporarily, without children understanding the reason behind the limits.
- Remember that when kids misbehave, it is not personal-they are not doing it just to drive you crazy. They are either developmentally unable to act as you would like, or they have not yet learned the lessons you want to teach. Take time to figure out the reason instead of just getting upset.
- Consider whether you sound like your mother or father. This is not necessarily a bad thing. But merely repeating the discipline practices from your childhood without thinking about whether they are appropriate to your goals can be counterproductive. Bad memories are strong, so figure out what is motivating your guidance pattern.
- See life from your child’s viewpoint. When you consider things from a child’s perspective, you can often prevent problems from occurring; an example would be a too long wait with nothing to do in a restaurant. In addition, understanding how children think helps parents teach in a way that helps children see the sense in behaving in particular ways.
- Remember that discipline has a different meaning than punishment. Discipline means teaching, punishing means stopping in negative, often hurtful ways. Children don’t learn new and better behaviors when they are punished, they merely learn to stop that behavior temporarily, and not get caught the next time.
- Too many rules mean lots of rule breaking-and parental policing. Instead, remember the big ideas for setting limits-kids need to learn to keep themselves safe, to respect the property and rights of others, and to take responsibility for their actions.
- Change your focus from the negative to the positive. When you catch kids being good and pay attention to that behavior, you reinforce that behavior. Reinforced behavior is strengthened. Ignoring behaviors you don’t want, or quickly redirecting them without too much attention to the negative, causes undesirable behavior to disappear.
- Keep your cool. When kids are yelled at all learning goes out the window, as they concentrate on feeling ashamed and fearful. This is not easy to do, but when parents take time to calm themselves, they are far more effective in their guidance.
- Be strong in your beliefs. Caving into toddler outbursts or the emotional blackmail of older children is not good for them now or in the future. Kids feel safer with authoritative parents.
- Admit your mistakes. Nobody’s perfect. Sometimes all these reminders will go out the window, as you and the kids have a really bad day. The life lesson of having a parent apologize and try harder is lasting: we do our best.
The job of guiding children to learn appropriate behavior is an important job of parents. Take the time to reflect on your discipline strategy. Hopefully, these tips will give you some insight on positive discipline.
Source: Growing child newsletter, June 2018 page 3 www.growingchild.com
